Dear George Mountbatten-Windsor,*
I wish to congratulate your parents, William and Kate, upon your safe and healthy birth. I have never met them but they appear in the national media to be a lovely couple who I am sure will be the most loving parents any child could hope for. And, as the same national media often reminds me, you have an extensive and privileged family which will allow all of your needs to be catered for. Your family also has a special arrangement with the state where you often receive money from the government for things such as house renovations, and they will provide invaluable assistance in organising events including marriages and anniversaries of being in a job.
Unfortunately, as good as all this sounds, there are several drawbacks. The first and most pertinent problem is that this is not a lifestyle which shall be shared by any other child born in the UK this month, perhaps even this year. Most mothers must give birth in a public ward of a hospital – if they can even make it to a hospital at all. Most babies your age do not have an assured life free from poverty ahead of them. Virtually every baby your age does not have the prospect of a guaranteed career lying ahead in the future. And no other babies shall be granted a position of Head of State before they have even been born.
This last issue is particularly important. I don’t mean any offence, but you might be utterly unfit for the job. Whether that’s a result of your capabilities or your interests, you must agree that to judge someone capable of doing a job with a wide range of roles – including heavy ambassadorial work and signing every bill passed through parliament into law – before they have even been born is madness.
Finally, despite what my first paragraph and the national media would have you believe, I would argue that your life will not be as perfect as it may seem. You will always struggle for any privacy in your life, even as a child. The media will hound you like a famished fox, reporting on every significant moment of your life. This unites both sleazy writers for The Sun (for instance) and the more respectable BBC reporters, who periodically abandon their impartiality whenever a story features your family. One could even say that nothing in your life shall truly be yours; even your name is not original but picked from a catalogue of former names in your family, so predictable that it was the bookies’ most favourite to win (and, of course, you live a life where the bookies bet on such things). In fact, even your middle names were on the bookies’ favourite lists.
From time to time, I may write or say things about you which could be perceived as negative. If I do, I assure you it’s nothing personal. I have no problem with either you or your family; my issue lies with the anachronistic system which revolves around you and your family.
Nevertheless, despite the problems I’ve described in this letter, I hope you manage to lead a fulfilling life.
*I appreciate that the use of your unofficial surname may be considered ‘offensive’ to some, but I’m not in the practice of calling anyone ‘royal’ or ‘your highness’ because it is my belief that everyone is born equal and to refer to height or rank in a title violates these principles. I can refer to you as ‘George Middleton’ if that would be less controversial.